I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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