I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
