cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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