I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
