my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
