Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
