so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
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She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
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Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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