i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
