I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
