found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
