found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
