Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
