im six kinds of drunk right now
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
