Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
