his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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