You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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