I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
