Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
