I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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