my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.