I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
