and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
