I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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