Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
