He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
