Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
