last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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