stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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