How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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