My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
