There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
