chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
