Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
