I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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