from now on my penis is your penis
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
i now understand why vodka
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
