One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
