You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.