Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
