I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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