tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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