He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
