I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
