my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
