A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
