So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She's the barista slut.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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