I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
