Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Randomize
