I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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