The best revenge is premature balding
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
