Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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