I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
