he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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