i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
