Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize