I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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