Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
