When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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