U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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