I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
